GCSE English language controlled assessment UPDATE. I had a change of heart.

I decided to change the conflict poem

I had to write a monologue for a character from one of the conflict group of poems.  I originally chose Belfast Confetti. After some thought I decided that writing a monologue about confusion was too difficult with no back story without it being confusing.

My choice of poem was Poppies by Jane weir which you can listen to here.

I completed the assessment yesterday and left feeling happy that I demonstrated all that was asked. Below is the rough idea I wrote out the night before. I hope you enjoy.

I sit here in your favourite leather chair. I thought what a great moment to write you a letter. I have been up all night. I can't sleep. I have just gotten out of the shower. I love having a shower more than ever now. I noticed you left your lemon vigor shower gel and knew you wouldn't mind me borrowing some. It contains grit lemon flakes that help exfoliate the skin, how nice; I can’t believe you have hid it from me all this time. I feel so refreshed after using it. I find myself basking in the smell of lemon zeal during the morning walk to work. The breeze taste fresh and it is as if the fragrance from the shower gel protects me from all the dirty smells in the street. You'll have to show me where you buy it so i can get myself some as well as replace yours. 

The house feels so empty without you. I am surrounded by all these memories of you dotted over the walls; I love that one of us together at your Pass Out Parade, Mummy’s handsome soldier.

Pam and Angela keep asking after you at work. I tell them you are fine. I do know you are fine. It has been four days since the news mentioned that six soldiers from your brigade were K.I.A by an isolated explosion. They still haven't released any names, they wont do this until all the next of kin have been informed.  They shouldn't release any information at all until then if you ask me.

Cousin David said you are probably very busy doing hero stuff. You better not be thinking you have anything to prove; not to anyone! Do you hear me? You're already my hero, so you just focus on keeping safe Mr. I phoned the barracks and they told me that they can not release any information just of yet. They said that all the next of kin will be informed by 1100hrs today. I just feel for those poor parents that do end up getting the bad news. I know you are absolutely fine otherwise there would be no need for this letter I am writing you. . So you have to be fine; you have no choice about that, sorry.

Not long now my little soldier and you will be safely home. I will put some of those sweets that nan keeps in her sweet jar that you always pinch and send them out to you. I know you love them. I post some other goodies as well as those magazines you and your friends enjoy. I miss you so much, we all do. Everyone is going to be there when you arrive back home. Everyone. I am going to cut this letter short as there is someone at the door. Take care son.

Stay safe. love you so much.

Love mum. xxxx

GCSE English language controlled assessment. My idea that I have 2 weeks to work on.

Ok since writing this, I have shown it to my tutor. I have to have a word count of 1200 with BOTH pieces. I thought that 1200 was a little stretched for just a monologue. I already have around 750 from the "what would I get rid of to improve life in the C21st?"

So least I can cut out the filler a little, also it seems that hardly any of my class connected with my monologue and found their focus got bored about half way through. I guess when I was writing this, I was writing in the moment of someone in their darkest hour. So I need to definitely rethink my structure. It's difficult to write a piece to do with confusion and feeling lost and for it not to be confusing.  I am still learning how to express emotion correctly, it is very hard with no back story. All in good time. The original is still there to listen to and I will have a shortened more tightly knitted piece by Tuesday.

Our tutor marked the first assignment and I scored band 4. Very pleased considering I rely on a computer so much. Also when writing out the "what would I get rid of in the C21st? " in my actual assessment, some new ideas came to me. I asked my tutor and I will get it back soon so that I can apply it to the piece I have on here. I look forward to it.


Listen to my monologue here

GCSE English controlled assessment.

Creative writing Re-creations. Taking a text and turning it into another.

I have to write a monologue for a character from one of the conflict group of poems.

I have up to 2 hours during the lesson on Wednesday 11th December to write a monologue with a suggested word count of 1200 words.

So I have decided to choose Belfast confetti which you can listen to here.

I felt that this poem to me represented confusion and felt that I could really work with this idea.

So basically we had to listen to the poem and build a character in our mind and then create a monologue for this character.

we had to consider:

• who was this character talking to?
• where are they?
• how will you create a sense of his/her voice?
• what are they wearing, what do they look like, how old are they?
• why are they telling their story? Do they want the readers help, forgiveness understanding...?
• what are their hopes and fears?
• time and tense?

The main point was that the tutor said that we had to insure that the monologue still linked to the original poem. So below is the foundation of my idea that I now have until the 11th to improve. I added the tune from our tune just add effect. :)

I know

Listen, I Know. I do not have to long, right? So get comfortable and I will do my best to help. I know that feeling; I mean you are here now, right?

Life’s become difficult, you feel like you’re not in control; outside factors questioning your faith, your faith in the system, your faith in humanity as a whole – faith huh – do I go on? Then there’s this feeling you have, a feeling that you can’t quite place your finger on.

You’re still not convinced?

You've become increasingly aware of the trouble on your doorstep, you see that people are afraid and stay in their homes more than ever and yes, I know. I know you are determined alright! You go about your day refusing to let any outside source have effect on you. Inside, you think – why me? Why is this all going on now? What’s the point?

Any free time you have, you find your self marvelling at that innocent, ignorant, bubble you once possessed and how it slowly vaporized to point where the only peace you have, is to dive deeper hoping that… There, right there, hope… Hope huh?

… all this digging… deeper and deeper… darker and darker… and at what cost?

You try to investigate both sides of the situation. Yes I know you are trying and here it is again, all this, just leaves you even more confused.  Again, there’s that feeling asking to be alive again, crying out for your attention again, all whilst so many thoughts weighing you down demanding to be considered.  

 You want to talk so bad – God you want to talk! But to who? No one could possibly relate to what you feel – that I am certain of, on the outside, you are considerate enough to not burst any ones bubble and on the inside you are screaming for them to wake up! Jesus JUST WAKE UP!

Awake – what is that? You’re awake right now right?

So what’s next?

Again, there’s that feeling again, god there you are again?

Just like an addiction, a psychological war of everything you believe in, all demanding more from you – and it’s not fair.  I’m sorry.

I have your attention now, don’t I?

So what’s next? You’re grateful enough to not complain, good on you. It all just comes back to that feeling and all this confusion. If only you can find away to correctly express it all, just so someone can relate, some direction – do you cry? Do you get angry? Do you celebrate? Is this even about you? You’re present, right? Who else could it be about?

Maybe it’s the mind playing tricks, and this is as close as you can be to the truth?

To make things worse, this feeling gets worse, the more you try to go about your normal day. The harder you try to ignore it, the more you feel you’re soul crying in pain.

You ask where is this going? I just want to know.

So yes, I too had that feeling, that same look you have now, that same confusion in your heart, that same confusion that prays to be answered and that same logic that questions everything.

I told myself similar stories too, sure in my time there were many riots in Ireland, everyone lived in fear and the world from where I was standing looked sure to end, but I am still here, but this is all an illusion, right? Not in your world, no, in your world you’re in control right? You’re no ones puppet, sure our heart is bigger enough to comprehend the truth and see into every human and know that deep down all anyone wants is peace – freedom. No one wanted this!

I too told myself, if I stay positive and do what I have been taught to believe then I can become successful and make a difference – change the world. I would often dream of the changes I would make to bring peace once successful.

The thing is that plan evolves ignoring that feeling, so yes I admit; I placed that feeling on the shelf, whilst everyone else was talking about the riots starting up in Odessa - I was studying and whilst everyone was worrying – I was affirming to them not to get sucked into that political propaganda. The most of the time I felt I was doing good, but every now and then…yep that feeling right there, right now just has to make its presence known.

Slowly overtime I got disappointed things were not changing quicker enough. In my soul I guess I was feeling angry at the cards I had been dealt and that I had all the answer if only I had this… or if I only had that... Oh yer, we’re in the same boat all right! I just wanted to scream.

Then that day I did, I screamed out with rage! The tiniest thing set it off. I think it was something on the radio reminding everyone of the daily misery breaking out on the streets of Ireland. At the same time, just making people feel worse than they already did, how frustrating, you can’t even get mad at the messenger, right?

Inside I remember an intense fire in the core of my being, the blood bubbling in my veins, on the outside unknown to me, the riots were closing in. I was walking along Valley Street, totally oblivious to the fact that, just around the corner the riots were already in full play. As I reached height of rage deep in my heart, I reached the corner then… (Loud noise) my whole life changed, my perception, everything. It was if that feeling had given up trying to get my attention inside and had no alternative. The only thought I had left was a ringing in my ear, probably from the bomb blast. I immediately filled with fear, I remember looking around trying to find something to escape the hell that was presented – scanning to just look at an innocent face of a child playing or to see an old couple holding hands on the street; instead I was faced with… I just want to get home. It was as if the confusion inside of me was now on the outside of me. What is my name? Where am I coming from? Where am I going? For the first time what I wanted and needed were aligned and up until now, I had them the whole time. I needed to reunite, find home and appreciate what I once already had.

So yes I think I might have a slight idea of the pain and confusion you have right now. I tell you now from the bottom of my heart, don’t put that feeling on the shelf, make peace with it and forgive what has happened – let it go. Step down from that tower you are currently in and do what you are suppose to be doing! That feeling right there is something very special, hold onto it, embrace it and just remember just how special you are, I know this because you are here now and I thank you.

Creative writing exercise. Use Dialogue as a powerful way to tell a story.

I need to tell him soon!

Amor Looked at Ozward and then sat on the end of the bed.

          “Ozward, why is it, that… I have no one to talk to… that understands me? Just need someone that can give me some direction, some clarity. Why is it I only have you… I know… I know you listen Ozzy?” Amor wept.

Ozward look at her with one eye brow raised, his big dark brown love full eyes filled her with warmth. She smiled, wiped her eyes, stood up and walked towards the mirror.

          “Yes you are right, as always Ozward, I do need to tell him the truth. Do you know something, it’s all gone so far that I am not sure if I even know the truth any more myself. How would I even know he fully understands me? Yer sure, I know when I talk to him he is listening.  His very good at that, just like you Ozward.”

          She looked at Ozward through the mirror and then turned to face him again.

          “I know he is listening, but I am looking for him to say something. Give me some idea of what he is feeling, is it a good thing? Or even if it’s bad, any response will do and then I have something, I can work with that.”

          She looked back into the mirror.

          “I know you understand me, Ozward. I just know it. What would I do without you? huh!”

          She flicked her loose hair back round her ear and smiled at herself in the mirror.

          “There is light at the end of this tunnel and every cloud has a silver lining, now stop feeling sorry for ya self. Tomorrow there is another new day.”

          She then Turned and went to the window, she looked out just in time to see a shooting star.

          “Look Ozward, how beautiful. I just see a shooting star, a sign perhaps?”

          She smiled; a glow of hope that emulated the star took hold of Amor. She sprang to life and bounced back over to Ozward. She sat down next to him. Ozward placed his head underneath her chin, she reached round with her other hand and caressed just under his chin.

          “Oh Ozward. When did you get so handsome? You are such a loving dog. This is it. I can feel it; everything is going to be ok, I just know it. Tomorrow I will tell my son how I feel and the truth about that group that he is so interested in. I know he will listen, but I will say it in such a way that will demand an answer. I will tell him the group was just a stunt to gets his father’s attention. I mean… he’ll understand… right Ozward?”

          Ozward placed his head in to her lap; she continued to pat his head gently.

          “He is a forgiving boy; he’ll forgive me and understand my intent, for sure.”

          She reached over towards the bedside cabinet and picked up a picture of his father.

          “I do love and miss you, I understand now. I know that the boy needs to think for himself. I was just scared and I just hope this stunt has not ruined our relationship. I listened to what you said, didn’t I? That’s right. You informed me that fear is a good teacher. I guess if I created this for him, it would teach him and get your attention as well… deux oiseaux avec une Pierre.”

          She got under the duvet and tucked her self in, Ozward still laid on the bed.

          “Nun night, Ozward. I love you.”

          Still holding the picture, she kissed the picture of her sons’ father and then placed the picture next to her on the pillow. She closed her eyes and gently whispered.

          “Thank you.

is the content interesting and thought provoking?

did you spot any grammar errors?

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Thank you for reading. Feed back will help me improve. 

The player since 1995

A great advert.

I would like to introduce myself as a keen gamer, I have enjoyed gaming all my life. I just love it so much, my life is one big game. I even play paper, scissor, stone against the Mrs in an attempt to avoid doing the washing up.

I am a lost love of Sony PlayStation. I was with PlayStation, I used to enjoy battling out debates over which was the better console, for many years I stuck by PlayStation.  Sadly around 2007 time, a lost debate resulted with me getting myself the Xbox 360 and that has where I have been until now.

Now I am currently floating between platforms, stuck on whether to go back to PlayStation or to stay with Xbox. Although for now I do not have enough knowledge on the new consoles and what they offer to make that decision – feel free to educate me. I am happy to say I have had amazing experiences with them both and I am sure the next toe to toe launch will be pretty exciting for both parties.

I am currently a floater as I have not yet made up my mind.  So what better time than for Sony to launch a great advert that has successfully got my attention, I was hooked by the amount of information and how clever the artist put the ad together – I loved it.

I loved it that much I spent a whole night watching it over and over again to pick the ad apart as I was guided all over the internet. I would like to share some of what I spotted over the few times of watching, this ad was not only about the success of the PlayStation, but Sony as a whole. The whole add was a journey as I spent the whole night remembering all kinds of lost treasures and relearning what I had forgotten.

Straight away in frame 001 we are bombarded with loads of great information to educate ourselves with.

001 print screen

Red circle – blur PARK LIFE – what a great tune, enough said!

Blue circle – Crash Bandicoot, I remember this game.

Violet circle – not sure of this character – take the screen shot and zoom in if you have an inclination.

Red square – 10 of hearts Sony symbolizing what has, what is and what's to come?

Yellow Square - This looks like a black suit and I am betting it is the 8 of clubs after a little research.

Yellow rectangle – Possibly the Tekken characters. The first game I remember playing on the PlayStation apart from being fascinated by the moving Manta-ray on the dash board, or was it a shark?

Then camera then heads down toward the game set up.

• Come In we're open sign underneath a world map,
• There is a black circle image of a red face with soul something written in yellow, maybe a game I have no knowledge of.
• You then see a red sign saying exit pointing up. Heaven ? direction of company after advert?

006 print screen - What do you see?

Blue Square - INTENT written upside down

Red Square - Forzor is this the Driving game?

Green Circle - Multi tap I think the name was, I had one of these - used to connect more than two controllers.

There are various games on the floor, unable to identify any of them and a NME music magazine, don't recognize picture. Nice rug.

The moving picture then heads towards the door, where we see a a red box with Sony DX, I did a quick search on Google and maybe an old phone or camera.

• We see a blue Adidas bag  with their older symbol just peeking hidden in the closet. A good friend of Sony perhaps? Maybe using the crown symbol to symbolize something. The thing with adverts, everything is relevant. 

• Hanging off of the closet door we see a school shirt with tie

• A dominoes pizza box? on the floor sitting on a magazine with 'THE PACK' just visible. Domino appearing a few times through the advert, must be ad within an ad. I did a quick search on the words THE PACK. Maybe an inside joke to Domino about a promise. Interested on your views - if any.

• There's a black box with a yellow triangle on, quickly got bored finding significance behind this, plus leave some enjoyment for you.
• The door where we get a glimpse of some Bryl cream on the chest of draws, a guitar sat on a chair underneath a poster.

018 what do you see?

Red square - Band Air- sexy boy  the poster shows a monkey of I love moon,Track 2 Moon being the debut album Moon Safri.

• Dart board on the door, stuck with darts to the dart board is card paper with purple cross?
• A boy in red top enters pulls a face does something with his hand, a girl behind. 
• Against the wall is a bike. 
• There is a signs on the door saying keep out warning do not enter.
• The  girl is wearing a scarf and laces are undone, fashion then?

The camera then goes low and back up toward the mirror above the chest of draws,

• The boy fiddle with his hair, I now see a brick of a  phone - possible the Sony DX?
• There's a cup with funny character, I do not recognise.
• There's a medal of some kind hanging off mirror?
• There is a black hat red symbol red drink bottle underneath
• We then more back round to the left, where we see a red hat on some nice looking decks.
• A heart picture on the wall with  a red hat - Jungle something with a picture full of triangles
• and is that a father Christmas playing with the knobs of the decks -Hiya Santa, Message by Sony to get those Decks for my Mrs at Christmas?

The camera then moves over the closet where we see a shirts squiggle with writing, at frame 031 I could only make out a heart shape on the arm. 

039 what do you see?

Yellow Square - we see a PLACEBO poster half visible. Simply an amazing band.

  I actually took a break to watch cruel intentions at this point.

• Two guys, one with a comb lodged in his hair? wearing an Adidas top

 The camera moves back round to the TV screen-  they are playing Tekken 

• At 1.01 we get a good look at the union jack flag, great to see the artist promoting Great Britain we then go round to the window and see fireworks? year 2000 perhaps? stuff disappear from the window ledge. a maroon jacket appears

Camera moves towards the door and we have some dice hanging from the door.

• top dice has a 1 at the top 5 bottom left and 4 bottom right
• bottom dice has 6 at the bottom, a 1 top left and a 3 top right

Bike still there, now we have a picture on the wall-  new wall paper on the corridor wall.

 01:13 we see a Kasabian poster- an amazing band again - I enjoyed researching these a little.

There is so much information to look into, but I am sure you get the drift on how deep one can look into things. I will just end with showing the few screen shots I captured. Please let me know if you choose to have a look yourself  and find anything you think may be interesting.

Also take note that each time you reach the window, in the background we see the Gherking building, The shard and  The Red Arrows.

01:24 what do you see

Blue circle - Franz Ferdinan  never heard of him search for him listen to a few songs quite diverse range differently interesting

01:46 What do you see?

Blue circle - an eye is always watching.

Green Circle - Tringe I did a quick Google there's a festival called The Tringe.

Yellow Circle - Another Kasabian poster

0201

We have lynx deodorant next to a boost energy drink? a message perhaps? more energy you say?

I don't know what the poster is.
Who's the man in the picture?

I really enjoyed studying this advert and learning from it. This is just a fraction of what can be found, I simply got tired of documenting what I found, but I can ensure you the search is amazing if you look into anything with this kind of eye. You will come across all kinds of wonderful information, so my intent here is to congratulate the artists who put this advert together and to raise some questions and interest into actually what our sub-conscience is fed in any given moment. This was just on the visual, then to walk with you through the sound would be a whole different kettle of fish. One sound that sticks though was - here we go!  a recording sound clip I remember from Ridge Racer.



Happy hunting and thank you for any interest.

If you are a believer of fate and everything is already determined, what is the point of a quest-ion?

I just read Steven Hawking's, 'God does roll the dice.' An interesting read, I must say. Towards the end he goes on to describe black holes.

He states,

"With black holes, however, the situation is rather different. One will end up with the same state outside the hole, whatever one threw in, provided it has the same mass. Thus there is not a one to one correspondence between the initial state, and the final state outside the black hole. There will be a one to one correspondence between the initial state, and the final state both outside, and inside, the black hole. But the important point is that the emission of particles, and radiation by the black hole, will cause the hole to lose mass, and get smaller. Eventually, it seems the black hole will get down to zero mass, and will disappear altogether. What then will happen to all the objects that fell into the hole, and all the people that either jumped in, or were pushed? They can't come out again, because there isn't enough mass or energy left in the black hole, to send them out again. They may pass into another universe, but that is not something that will make any difference, to those of us prudent enough not to jump into a black hole. Even the information, about what fell into the hole, could not come out again when the hole finally disappears. Information can not be carried free, as those of you with phone bills will know. Information requires energy to carry it, and there won't be enough energy left when the black hole disappears." 

 Now, It is fair to say that our minds are like  black holes, they get filled with information. Information can be extracted, though it costs energy to extract it. When someone dies, any withheld information disappears with them.

What are - ions?
How do we extract information from other minds?
What trigger of new ideas, new concepts, realisations within our own minds?
Is this why the word is so important?
Why are you still reading this? is this thought provoking?
Do you think that its a good idea to share thoughts openly?
or do you think it's best to be asked the question before answering?
What is happening when your heart gives of that elongated beat, that emotion?
could this powerful beat be the very mechanism that determines who you meet next?
What triggers the better thoughts, the questions asked or the answer posed?
What motivates you to comment on a post? what stops you?
Does it come down to relevance when motivated to reply in any situation? is this even relevant to you?
What is a baby dreaming when in their mothers womb?
What happens to the semen that do not make it?
What is the most valuable piece of information you have in that head?

What is that buzz in the head all about?

When Jesus died for our sin's, where did he go for those 3 days?
How long would, 3 days feel to a fly? Why did the old lady swallow the fly?
How do people continue to commit such acts, if all sins were taken away? Shouldn't you then be in heaven?
Do loud noises carry more energy than silence?
How noisy is your environment right now?
What's more scary to you, no noise or noise?
Do you think that noise could be relevant  to whether you perceive something correctly?
Have you experienced a place with no noise?
Does this written piece or words hold any relevant information in this present moment?
What information has surfaced from reading this? feel like sharing it?
Do you think an element of confusion is good?
Do you read instruction manuals?
 I thought so.

"I love watching children when they project complete wonder,
watching a child's face full of wonder as they study anything unknown to them."

How long would you leave it before intervening?

Simply Imagine - You are in a classroom with 64 others, you all have a similar interest in the subject being taught. The teacher is teaching a very important part to the course.
 The teacher says,  "Pay close attention, you need to know this!"
Your mind simply wonders and you do not fully understand, do you.

a) ask the appropriate questions.

b) say nothing, and hope that others ask the questions.

Say that your mind did not wander, and you understand the teacher fully,
you think to yourself,  "hmm this is some complex material being taught!"
You look around and see that there are quite a few that are confused, but are afraid to ask for reasons you may not yet know. Do you,

a) Act the dumb one, ask the damn question.

b) Say nothing.

c) Hope to catch up with them later and explain.

Fear not.

“Your soul needs saving,” the man said.

The man had told him about all these aliens and how the government was hiding stuff from people, about how currently there was a massive alien ship above one of the poles and how everyone was a sleep to what’s really going on, all this happening according to this man.

He remembers how passionate the man sounded; the man’s face was drawn in with worry and the flat that the man occupied felt very lonely. The man made him promise that he would look up some information on the internet regarding it all.

 “I do not mean to be rude,” he said to the man looking around at the state of his accommodation. “But how has the truth benefited you.”

The man looked him in the eyes and said, “Because it’s the truth; the truth is beautiful and will set you free.” This was how the quest started...

A year or so later, he sat , frustrated, with his elbows on his knees, his head perched on his hands, thinking, massaging his temples. 

“What am I missing? What am I not seeing? I will not give up! I know I am close!”

Earlier that day he had spoke to a physic, it was said he was going to come into a great fortune - how though? They even said that he would be moving soon, as great as that sounded, he could not see that happening. As he sat there wandering about all the information he had taken in over the year, his head began to buzz, a loud plane simultaneously sounded flying low above his home, the music in the background come into ear shot, as if nothing else existed, the music spoke to him. He recognised the album; it was Gnarls Barkley – St. Elsewhere, he had downloaded in search for the song, ‘Crazy,’ a while back, one of his favourite songs, popular when he had met the love of his life.

The digital screen displayed – Track 10, who cares.  He stared at the screen and smiled at the titled, and then the words suddenly became relevant with his thoughts – everything became relevant.

Basically I'm complicated

I have a hard time taking the easy way

I wouldn't call it schizophrenia

But I'll be at least 2 people today

If that's okay

And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?

It's deep how you can be so shallow

And I'm afraid cause I have no fear

And I didn't believe in magic

Until I watched you disappear

“And I’m afraid cause I have no fear!” he repeated to himself. “That’s it! That is why I feel the way I do.”

He had done so much research and everything just raised more questions, with no absolute truth and the best way to approach most of it was to consider it all half truth, well at least that's what he thought.  All of this information had come from thought, so it had been created from something, there had to be some truth in it- Surely! He had concluded and based all his actions on this very fact, that everything was controlled by fear, and countless spiritual information researched had confirmed this, you know the people that give the impression that they know and that you do not know and to be patient and to face up to all your fears.

He’s head buzzed louder, and his heart began to palpitate.  His heart had been acting weird for a while. He then thought back at how his whole life had turned upside down, it was the day when he’d met that man. It was no good regretting looking this information up though, because it was in his nature, he had always been a very curious fellow. Curious was the friend that made him tick, that motivated him to move forward – that there was something to find. AS the lyrics connected to his mind, the ambience of the room darkened.

“And I’m afraid cause I have no fear!” he reminded.        

“I need to create a fear! I have no fear, so I need one. I need one that I can hit two birds with one stone, this will surely help me understand why so many people become so suppressed by this feeling of fear and then write about it and try help all of humanity from out of it.” He smiled as if onto a new breakthrough.

For a while now, he had written a lot of thoughts down, his thoughts had been rather rushed, very fast and hard to express in words – and writing was no strong point of his.  He, before this journey began was no literate – he was more of a calculated man, the fact that any equation only resulted with one answer was what he liked. English was different; two people could discuss a topic and have opposite opinions and both still be correct according to numerous language tutors and this made no sense.

His thoughts became rather strange, sometimes even conflicting, as if he was having a conversation with a separate quite self that had sprang to life by the very seed of wanting to create some fear.

“So if you are going to create fear, you need it to be purposeful!”

“I read that allot of places suggest that  the more you think about something, the more you will attract it.”

“You want money don’t you? Think about all the changes you can bring! Think about all those poor people you can help! That physic said you were going to come into great fortune! Maybe this is what you have to do, you know-to trigger this wealth off.”

He was excited pacing up and down the room – as if he had just plugged his mind into a massive matrix and an expensive package of intense thought had been purchased, a download of gold – his eyes warmed in their sockets, his backbone became light and now his was on his way to enlightenment – to truth, ironically the album had performed a full cycle and track 2 was now playing – Crazy.

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,

Ha ha ha bless your soul

You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy

I think you're crazy

I think you're crazy

Just like me

“OK, I am to create the Fear of having too much money!”  He said out loud. “I think I understand – what I think about I attract – I suppose???”

After this intense download of thought stopped, it was as if he had just woken from a hypnotic trance. His head felt light, the ambience of the room lightened and eagerly awaited for a response.

“So let me get this right, I create a fear of having too much money and I have to write it in that exact way I just envisioned, and this will create fear within all the greedy! Everyone that reads it, but will only work on those that deserve it –  sound genius- of course – but wait….!!!?????”

He stroked his chin, as if about to make the biggest decision of his life- he had to consider that his life was great, why change it? Maybe this was the fear talking already, conflicting thoughts again - perhaps trying to convince him not to step one more step – not to be fooled…and then.

“Yes of course- I accept!” an impulse cry out with joy.

“Oh yes…I didn't think about that…erm…Yes sure makes sense.” He muttered. He was answering to the thoughts that followed, the ones that said

“Surely the one creating the fear, should experience it for themselves before creating for everyone else to experience.”

At that very thought of agreeing, a roaring silence popped his ear drums, a shivering whistle echoed out the window and clinched with a coincidental knock to the door that shock his body, like he had just awakened from a dream.

“WoooW what just happen – what did I just agree to…” terrifying thoughts of making some kind of pact gripped his body, “- shhh this is the fear- just love it- fear is just unknown love – the best way to defeat it is to shine love on it- stop panicking – it’s not like you just made a deal with the devil ….. ” a calm thought massaged his shoulders like a coach easing him into the ring.

Another knock sounded.

He opened the door; it was his love, the love of his life; the love that had brought balance to his reality when he was getting into all kind of mischief - 6 years ago.

His love looked as if under a kind of trance, possibly already drunk. His love was with company and brought a board game round. They sat around the table, rolled the dice and the game began.

“This is it, be loving.” He thought to himself as he peered into the entities that surrounded him. Maybe it was because they were all under the influence of the shots of spirits consumed prior to knocking - perhaps? or maybe it was his whole perception had changed – anyhow everything seemed different – like something had altered.

Any time he felt this fear knocking at his door, he focused on his love sitting right beside him.  The smile, the glow of happiness emanating from his loves aura. There was a thundering noise erupting upstairs, it was the children and they were doing a great job of making a lot of scary noises considering the moment – they were screaming.  Anyone would of thought there was some kind of slaughter happening the way they were acting.

“Just ignore it, it's you trying to lower your vibration, the mind playing tricks- that's all, they’re kids and just playing a game” he thought. “Stop reading into everything.”

He sat staring at his love, watching love struggling with the many questions being asked. He then thought that he could perhaps not show his love up by speaking out right, but just look at love and silently tell love the answer. It worked. Love was now getting the questions correct, though this seem to create a tense atmosphere, was his love here to help him through this period of fear or was he here to help his love through fear. He tried his best not to think too hard, and decided to channel all his thoughts into helping love to answer up, then love turned and said.

“Why don’t you go work your magic on the, kids.”

“WoW," he thought.  "Does my love know I am doing this."

He climbed the stairs. At the top was an angel, the unconditional love that any parent has. 

"When we close our eyes! she is dead!" all of the children said the same thing.

Was this a coincidence, had inviting this fear into his life affected everyone. His heart gave three elongated beats. Worry swept his body. He had to think fast, he had accepted to experience this - but he didn't know it would effect everyone and now he had to correct it. It was not fair that his children were suffering with horrible thoughts. Everything became very loud and he become  scared.

"What have I done?" he said. "Oh god, please help me, I never meant to hurt anyone"

Love and I

I am no shy when you caught the eye,

I see you that night with another,

I watched, I waited for the perfect time,

I knew you were the one I waited to discover

I suggested blue wicked thinking of funny price,

I split into you; one took over hogwash the other stuck in trice,

I done the start stop on how best to work the charm,

This was it my love written in palm,

I watch you laugh at me speak my drivel joke,

Yes a challenge; some friction and smoke,

Wow you were in a disguise and I a sex pest,

6 months later the pregnancy test,

Shock and horror a message from god,

I knew not know emotion so my back I created a rod,

I had to retreat and left as cold as ice,

Why us I say in anger, so I rolled the dice,

We were no more, because I walked, I chose the door.

Few time past and we bumped online

There’s that feeling again love is a swine

We agreed to meet and I wasted no dreading

Whilst in Cyprus you traded your dream for a cheap lousy wedding

You stuck it through though and looks are deceiving

4 born 6 years later and I am still not a leaving.

I open up and I showed you my bad side,

You don’t know who I am, you are still tied,

I now look a mess and been through the ringer,

This love I am stuck in is like a right winger,

I am in a valley and please hurry I am in no dilly dally,

I know not all is clear my dear, at times you fear,

I will always fight I am not going back to the rear,

Some say I am done; I look in bad shape and I appear lazy

Some say I is an idiot that my love is too crazy,

Yes I work in strange ways and yes more often I should take a bath,

But I promise you my love will have the last laugh,

So we are still here and now

And been through some problematic plough

You now know the worst of me,

But guess what you only explored the root of this apple tree,

I will give you everything you want as votive,

I thought I knew impatient, help me help us move forward and tell me your motive

Seriously though and no joke YO for god sake don’t add no more to this list

The person writing it down has a pain in his wrist.

I love you.

What would I get rid of to improve life in the C21st? - an assignment in my English course

What would I get rid of to improve life in the C21st?

When first asked this question, my first thoughts were rather selfish. I might have said quips such as, ‘the people that urinate down my alley’ or ‘cats whose only purpose at present seems to be fluffy defecating machines.’

I might have then said the expected, such as ‘world hunger’ or ‘paedophiles,’ but the problem is, these are just acts and to me it’s like taking away Hitler, something or someone will only fill that space. A simple exercise, yet we are left with our minds becoming the House of Lords. A massive debate.

We live in a dualistic reality; to just take one thing away would end up in pandemonium. Can you imagine how dogs would feel if you took away cats? Taking away hunger, how would the greedy feel then? They have enough on their plates to deal with as it is!

You would most definitely need to hit home, hit everyone, and affect everyone individually – equally. What if you were to take away something that would affect the source at which everything is perceived?!?

From the amazing human body, the one divine possession most take for granted. The way the human body has evolved to be able to perform such elegant acts as ballet or play complex instruments to create the most amazing sounds; the way we have collectively used these bodies to create such aesthetic architecture or how individuals have regimentally sculpted their bodies to perform the most intricate of achievements.

Let’s think on a more personal level.

You could always take away peoples eyebrows, imagine that! Half of our facial expressions wiped off of the face of the earth! This would surely be humorous for a while but would serve no purpose. Let’s face it, there's teenagers at present that shave their eyebrows off and use marker pens to replace them anyway.

You could always take away teeth! It would mean we wouldn't be so aggressive for sure, but…we would surely overcome this problem, already proved once we get to old age, plus I am sure most animals would certainly keel over after a few days.

You would need to cause an effect that would pose new challenges and eliminate such evil acts; something that would bring us back from being so secular in our ways.

Knee joints? Hmmm…this would surely pose some challenges such as going uphill; it would require a skill of balance no doubt and require us to rely on one another more. Fighting would be like a game of skittles and would only end in exhaustion, but then we would still be able to create tools of mass destruction. Also this would only be as cruel as trying to eliminate such evil acts. Imagine everyone hobbling around with no kneecaps; it would result in the question - which cruel god would do such a thing!?!

You don’t want that, do you?

The thing is, the human body is the most sophisticated tool we will ever own, and we can see that we would still manage, adapt and overcome any situation presented by any abnormalities that already exist today.

The obvious answer would be to take away all knowledge, but I am sure you, ‘the reader’ are probably starting to become more aware every moment that this is a reality currently being experienced.  You are motivated every day by the fear that you do not know and your only truth you have derived is from your own experiences, and that the only ultimate truth you will ever be certain of from research is that you exist.

Imagine if you did choose to take away knowledge and start again. You would have to surely leave something all knowing, a kind of spirit that can work in the undertones of reality, a guardian angel perhaps to see you do not get lost, certain thought provoking scriptures that would trigger off awakening kind of thoughts. Maybe you would leave a book, maybe even call it a holy book of some kind as an extra safe measure.

We are currently governed by the laws of physics, my answer is to take away all information regarded by majority as knowledge. Anything else will only have a temporary cause and effect. The one thing I now know from experiencing thought on this subject, the only thing I could never get rid of no matter what, and that, if you are still left wondering, is YOU!

Thank you for this moment and choosing to include me within it.

An RSM's Visit

A Visit to the RSM

“Come on Mark, GO on have a drink! You are on your last day. What is the worst that could happen?” the chef said.

Almost 3 months prior

The orders of a ‘two can limit,’ were the orders of ‘The Man’. You know the one that pulls the strings within the top echelon of any system.  ‘Two cans’ was the limit and let’s say my friends and I ignored this rule, and I got caught. I had to see ‘The Man’ himself. This was a visit to which I was no stranger throughout my adolescence.

Every time I had this visit, the same concerns would haunt me during the build up. Mark you have really done it this time! I would think.  Thankfully ‘The Man’ was busy and the sentence was abrupt and delivered quickly.

“3 months drinking ban! Now get out of my sight”, or words to that effect.

I was under strict observation and expected to screw up. ‘The chief,’ my sergeant, had expressed the importance of not giving our ‘unit’ any more bad labels.

Our sergeant! ‘The chief’ and the mother figure of our unit.

 “I will be very disappointed Sapper Brooker, IF you do not take this warning seriously,” the sergeant said.

 At the time I did think it must be hard to be close to the lads and still have to play that motherly role. Instinctively, considering that he had emphasised that he would be disappointed; not mad, not angry, but disappointed!

For the majority of the punishment I had taken the warning seriously, observing each successful day lift weight from my sergeant’s shoulders, for I was his responsibility. That was something I learnt very quickly within the forces. Everyone within the forces is your family and when one messes up the effects are felt by all, no matter how insignificant one may feel.

            My engineer unit were responsible for the maintenance along sector 2 of the green line and occasionally had to carry out patrols.

The green line was the border line which the United Nations controlled in Cyprus. It was a 112 mile line established in 1974 by the United Nations, following the Turkish invasion of Cyprus.

My last day of my punishment and all we had to do was a few stags! I say stag, but this was no boring patrol. A joy ride would be more of a suitable description. A ‘112 mile’ dirt track, where time stands still.

I had got my best lap time yet, surely! I thought.

Everyone raced the green line.

Just imagine, a ‘4x4 L200 Mitsubishis,’ a dirt track very similar to ‘The Rally Monte Carlo,’ and us, ‘the two soldier operatives’. The orders are for the operatives to patrol to a check point about 12 miles away and back, in a 4x4 on a dirt track; people talk of dealing with temptations.

There are speed signs of 50 km, but no one takes any notice of them.

So yes, I was a little concerned when my fellow engineer companion, ‘the co-driver’ of the 4x4 vehicle, said that he spotted in the rear view mirror, a figure come running from hedge line waving his stick with the look of horror emanating from his aura as I dashed across the open section of the course.

There are only a few characters that carry around pace sticks; I had met one of these characters just shy of three months ago. 

The other two were even higher up the pyramid.

This was not a good feeling my friend had created. On one hand my companion could be lying and showing him any sign of fear would give him great power over these emotions I currently felt scratching my stomach walls. On the other hand, if this were true; well it could not be true; I did not even want to consider that outcome. There was no way that outcome would infect my mind, not this moment anyway. This moment I was a new me; I was on the yellow brick road; the road to recovery; I was alert; I was, I was responsible? Nah! Surely not, but then my superiors were looking at me with a different light, like I had been saved from the dark wayward waters of waywardness. ‘The Man’ was looking to me as the example of how the right punishment can cause fruition.

I finished the stag and headed for my room.

I decided to ignore what my friend had said, in fact I was doing the complete opposite of what my companion intended. Rather than dwelling on, ‘I may of or may not have been caught,’ I was dusting the dust from my halo in my minds eye. Three long months I had worked hard; I was soon to be the shining example of how a soldier ought to act.

No sooner had I been dusting my halo, I was also pondering how I could spend my last night being that all the other engineers were out on the lash. All that remained in the blocks were a few others on a drinking ban; and the chefs.

The chefs cook our food, no defences needed, they keep themselves to themselves. Everyone keeps friendly with them because they cook the food.

The chefs worked hours that meant whilst others were sobering up in their beds, they were preparing breakfast and the meals for the rest of the day.

The chefs were the early birds.

My last night of punishment, the chefs decided to have a drink in their room and had summoned me. I say that because the pressure led left me no choice, such quips as ‘you are suppose to be an engineer,’ and ‘I thought you engineers laughed in the face of fear.’

There was no doubt in my mind that I was caught by the devil’s hook. All I had is was one day left.  I had spent the most of the 3 months rehabilitating and improving my abilities as a soldier. I was the new example of how even the most rebellious of souls can be transformed. Then there was still the fact I was representing my unit of engineers. Engineers are well known throughout the forces for their drinking games. I did not want to tarnish what it meant to be an engineer of the corps deep down. I did what any true engineer would have done. I took the moment by the horns and I went back into the wayward waters or waywardness.

An engineer requires a clever balance in chemistry.

“Come on Mark, GO on have a drink! You are on your last day, what is the worst that could happen?” the chef said.

So I did.

I met up in their room and remember the very first bottle of port opened.

That’s all I remember.

About eight neglected hours pass.

Sun light pierced the gaps between my curtains and amazingly I stirred in my own pit.

 “Get up!” My sergeant said, “The RSM would like to see you in his office at 08.30 hours sharp.”

There’s nothing worse than suffering from slight amnesia after a binge the night prior to awakening.

“The RSM…” I muffled all kind of tantalizing thoughts attacking me.

“The RSM would like to speak to you about how you feel that you are above everyone and can treat the green line as your own personal Monta Carlo”

“Err Chris…I was speeding, but not travelling that fast.”

“The RSM’s said that the UN flag pole on the vehicle was bent and parallel to the floor, not the flag! The pole!”

My stomach made a noise; my heart skipped a beat…I remember considering the thought of having to spend the whole tour not even being allowed to visit the island….next were the thoughts of the chance of being charged, a curse that follows you everywhere.

“Relax!” the sergeant said. “You are lucky I have got your back.  I told him I was already aware of it and that I have punished you already.”

“Thanks,” I relieved.

I had no time to wash if I wanted breakfast; I squeezed a little toothpaste into my mouth to disguise the smell of alcohol, got dressed and headed to breakfast.

Whilst in breakfast, I felt an overwhelming sensation of paranoia, like the whole universe was looking at me. I studied everyone’s face, there was definitely something going on and it involved me. I considered that news did travel fast and decided that maybe everyone knew that I was in trouble again.

As I was at the hot plate, I saw the two chefs I had been drinking with.

“I cannot even remember how I got to my room last night!” I uttered.

They smiled; the body language was very false. Something was not running true.

“I been told I have to see the RSM. I hope he does not smell alcohol on me,” I informed them. Sure, throw them a little gossip, see their reactions, I thought.

“Really! Well good luck!” one of the chefs abruptly said, delivered with a deceiving smile.

There was definitely something peculiar about their whole demeanour. I decided not to read too much into it and headed away toward to the dining area where all the soldiers sat to eat.

“Bye then,” I said.

I looked over to see my fellow engineers at our usual table by the coffee machine, eating their breakfast. I sat down and began to eat. Everyone was quieter than usual, so I decided to inform them that it was the RSM that had spotted me speeding down the green line. They all simultaneously looked up, looked at me then looked at each other. I studied their faces. Usually I would consider a laugh or a little banta (forces word for mockery) my way, but nothing.

“Ok…what’s going on?” I demanded, studying their every facial expression.

“Did you get up late this morning?” Gimp said.

Gimp was the fellow co-driver from the stag that initially informed me of the figure waving the stick in the rear view mirror.

“Yes, in fact I did, Gimp! I squirted some toothpaste in my mouth and came straight here.

They all looked at each other. It was like there was some kind of conspiracy going on. I felt my face for stubble, as I had decided to sacrifice having a wash to make it in time for breakfast.

“I can’t feel any stubble. Do you think the RSM will notice I haven’t had a shave?” I asked.

“You look like you have… had…a…SHAVE, I wouldn’t worry,” Geordie smirked.

I thought that he was smirking only because I could get away with shaving for a good four days. It was Geordie’s way of having a dig at the fact I did not produce the correct levels of testosterone which left my stubble growing in patches.

“Haha ha ha! We are not all cavemen like you Geordie and hit puberty at the age of six,” I countered.

They all give off a slight but controlled humour.

“Whatever! You lot confuse the hell out me at times, constantly conspiring against me.”

Paranoia was getting to me.

 I looked at my watch.

 I had 10 minutes before I had to be in front of the RSM.

“I’ll see you girls later! I got a date with the RSM!” I laughed.

Not wanting to give away any indication of being at all bothered, when inside all kind of chemical reactions were igniting, only made clear to myself, as my body’s thermostat was malfunctioning causing me to have cold sweats.

I left them giggling to themselves. Soon as I left, I felt my ears burning, but I had other concerns right now! I had a date with the infamous RSM who everyone was scared of.

The RSM was notorious for dealing with all forms of discipline. This was one of the very first things one learnt when filtering through basic training. I was not too concerned though, as my sergeant assured me that he had my back and that it would just be a verbal warning of the dangers.

I entered the HQ which consisted of a two floor building. The lower floor was where all the clerks worked and officers that dealt with the politics; on the second floor only rumours were known of what went on amongst the lower ranks. There were only two ways a low rank would be required to walk up the stairs in the lobby - for commendation or condemnation. To get any form of commendation one had to do some serious butt kissing; so most, if not all soldiers only see the second floor for a good verbal grilling.

 The stairs were lined with yellow lines. Crazy how the forces have to comply with little health safety rules, I thought.

 As I ascended, I spotted a full body mirror at the very top. Perfect! This would allow me to ensure I looked half decent, I grinned.

I briefly looked into the mirror, straightened my beret, and then knocked on the RSM’s door.  Hold up!

Something did not look right, the symmetry of my face or something, I thought.

I looked back into the mirror and to my horror I had been robbed.

I only had one EYEBROW

“Come in,” said the RSM.

Those little devils, I thought.